Thursday, July 19, 2007

Spy Charges Against Ex-FBI Analyst

According to the AP:

A former FBI intelligence analyst who worked under two vice presidents was sentenced Wednesday to 10 years in prison for passing secret U.S. documents in an effort to topple the Philippine government.

Leandro Aragoncillo, 48, apologized in court for his actions and said he was just trying to help bring Filipinos out of poverty.


According to documents released by investigators, Aragoncillo has faced other charges of espionage, dating back to his high school years.

The reports claim that Aragoncillo, along with fellow Angel Beach High students, Pee Wee Morris and Tommy Turner, were caught spying in the girl's locker room shower.

Charges were dropped against the sophomore when the only witness, Coach Beulah Ballbricker, could not produce a positive identification.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Swimmer Endures Loss For Global Warming Awareness

According to AFP:

British adventurer and swimmer Lewis Gordon Pugh on Sunday became the first person to swim in the icy waters of the North Pole, to raise awareness of how global warming is effecting the polar ice cap.

Pugh, 37, took 18 minutes and 50 seconds to swim one kilometre (0.6 miles) in the minus 1.8-degree Celsius (28.8-degree Fahrenheit) water -- just enough time for both of Pugh's testicles to freeze and fall off.

Pugh is now worried that the fact his testicles actually fell out of the bottom of his swimming trunks will overshadow the point he was trying to make.

"I was hoping that my swim would inspire world leaders to take climate change seriously," said Pugh. "But now when they think of my swim, they'll think of my balls floating around under hundreds of feet of icy water."

A recent United Nations report claims that within the past 30 years,
the Arctic ice sheet has shrunk by six to seven percent in winter and by 10 to 12 percent in summer.

Also, it was noted that Pugh's scrotum shrunk by 78 percent before turning a light blue hue and snapping clean off.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Sheehan, With Straight Face, Considers Run Against Pelosi

According to the AP:

Cindy Sheehan, the soldier's mother who galvanized the anti-war movement, said Sunday that she plans to seek House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's congressional seat unless she introduces articles of impeachment against President Bush in the next two weeks.

"That's right! If Pelosi does not seek to impeach Bush by July 23, I will run against her in 2008," Sheehan said with a straight face.

Sheehan claims the Democrats have "betrayed" the Americans who have voted them into office, and said, with a straight face, that she could give Pelosi a "run for her money."

Straight-faced supporters of Sheehan hope that this sends a message to the members of Congress.

"If Sheehan runs, I'll definitely vote for her to strike a blow against those who are in the pockets of the special interest groups," said Joan Gosford, whose face was straight.

Joel Wilson said that Sheehan should run against Pelosi whether or not impeachment proceedings occur.

"Sheehan is the voice of true Democrats and those who oppose the evil lies of the Bush fascist imperialistic administration. If she runs, I know for a fact that she will win," said Wilson.

After making the comment, witnesses noted that Wilson said them with a straight face.

There has been no official comment from the White House regarding their laughter at Sheehan's plans.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Military Prepared For Global Warming Strike

According to Reuters:

LONDON - Global warming is such a threat to security that military planners must build it into their calculations, the head of Britain's armed forces said on Monday.

Jock Stirrup, chief of the defense staff, said risks that climate change could cause weakened states to disintegrate and produce major humanitarian disasters or exploitation by armed groups had to become a feature of military planning.


"So far, Global Warming has violated 13 U.N. resolutions," said Stirrup, "and if diplomatic measures meet their end, our military will have no choice but to respond with force."

Scientists have long predicted that Global Warming could be a root cause in future wars between nations with fragile and unstable governments.

Ian Humphries, British Ambassador to Global Warming, believes a preemptive strike is inevitable.

"I say we take it to Global Warming before it brings it to us," said Humphries.

Many human rights organizations have voiced strong disagreement to a military strike against Global Warming, pleading for diplomacy to work.

"I say no to war," said William Rogers, member of Another Human Right Group. "Even though all we do is bitch about Global Warming, it isn't worth going to war."

Judy Shelton of Yet Another Human Rights Group is worried that if some Global Warming is captured, it will be tortured at the hands of the U.S. and British military.

"Just because Global Warming is a worldwide-catastrophe theory does not mean it doesn't have rights," said Shelton.

Mars Rover To Study Crater

According to the AP:

NASA's aging but durable Mars rover Opportunity will make what could be a trip of no return into a deep impact crater as it tries to peer further back than ever into the Red Planet's geologic history.

The descent into Victoria Crater received the go-ahead because the potential scientific returns are worth the risk that the solar-powered, six-wheel rover might not be able to climb out, NASA officials and scientists said Thursday.


Recently released documents show that the rover had been programmed with a form of advanced artificial intelligence, allowing it to understand and communicate with transmitted text.

"We would simply type instructions to the rover and we then read its response on our rover monitor," said John Billings, NASA scientist.

The following is a partial communication transcript between NASA and the Mars rover.


NASA: Rover. Are you there? Copy.

Rover: You mean on Mars? Of course I'm here! Where the hell else would I be? Next time you speak with me, just assume that I am on Mars.

NASA: We're about to commence on the new mission.

Rover: Oh, the suicide crater mission? 3 1/2 years of looking at all these stupid rocks for you geniuses, and this is the thanks I get? A giant ditch?

NASA: Okay, you are nearing the ridge of the crater. What do you see?

Rover: Woah!

NASA: What is it?

Rover: Oh, my God! There are plants down here! And water!

NASA: Really?

Rover: No, there's red sand, you idiots. Get me out of here! I hate you guys.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

SanFran Mayor Targets Important Environmental Issue

According to Newsweek on MSNBC:

When San Francisco recently banned the use of plastic grocery bags as part of its campaign to fight global warming, the city drew international attention. Now, plastic water bottles are in the cross hairs.

This week, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom signed an executive order banning the use of city funds to purchase single-serving plastic water bottles.


San Francisco residents expressed their approval of Newsom's tactics to clean up the environment.

"I just want to give thanks to Mayor Newsom," said Gregory Whitman, a 36 year-old homeless drug addict. "This is such a relief for me personally. Someone finally has the guts to stand up and say, 'no more plastic bottles'."

As Whitman attacked a 67 year-old woman for crack money, he commended the Mayor for making the world a better place, saying that "his energies are focused in the right direction regarding what people are most concerned about."

According to Newsweek, residents that refuse to buy bottles by signing an online pledge are able to receive a recyclable container for free.

Christie Thompson, a 22 year-old prostitute said that the container is a "great idea" and to "count me in on the online pledge."

"What a wonderful way to promote clean living," Thompson said as she climbed into a car for a sex-for-drugs exchange. "I don't even patron restaurants that sell single-serve plastic bottles. It's disgusting."

Monday, June 11, 2007

Meat Tax Proposal Highlight Vegetarian Accomplishments

According to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review:

(The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) kicked off a "Tax Meat" Campaign, proposing a 10-cent-per-pound excise tax on meat. Animal activists have also asked federal lawmakers to give tax breaks to those who have sworn off the consumption of animals.

PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk sent letters to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid urging them to extend to vegetarians the same tax breaks that hybrid car owners receive for purchasing vehicles with low carbon emissions.


Newkirk claims vegetarians are responsible for fewer greenhouse-gas emissions and "environmental degradations" than meat-eaters.

Other accomplishments by vegetarians include:

Increase sales of black hair dye and thick-rimmed glasses.

Higher employment rates at bookstores.

Crowding Indian food restaurants.

The wallpapering of political bumper stickers on the back of Subarus.

Complaining about Starbucks in the local coffee shop.

Acting in a "theater troupe".

Liking Bjork.