Thursday, April 26, 2007

Dems Clash Over War Retreat

According to the AP:

Democratic presidential hopefuls flashed their anti-war credentials Thursday night, heaping criticism on President Bush's Iraq policy in the first debate of the 2008 campaign.

"The first day I would get us out of Iraq by diplomacy," said New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, one of eight rivals on the debate stage.

"If this president does not get us out of Iraq, when I am president, I will," pledged Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York.


"That's what I just said, idiot," said Richardson. "Plus, I said I would do it on the FIRST day. It would take you, like, two or three weeks."

Clinton said that the assertions made by Richardson were false, and that while he would get the U.S. out of Iraq on the first day, she would do it "within the first two hours."

"I don't want to get caught up in this childish argument," said Sen. John Edwards, "but since we've gone there, I would get us out of Iraq as soon as they announced me as president. I mean the very second. I promise to have the phone up to my ear with my fingers on the buttons so as to minimize the time from when I become the president to when I call off this war."

Sensing that Edwards had gained the lead in the quickest withdraw from the war, Sen. Clinton conceded the point with, "Why are you even here?"

She then recommended that instead of calling off the Iraq war, Edwards should use the phone to call his "mamma."

Edwards refused to respond to what he says is both a weak attempt at stifling debate and at trying to make a funny 'yo mamma' joke.

"Call my mom to do what? asked Edwards. "It didn't make sense."

The Bush/Nixon Strategy

According to the Washington Times:

Emboldened congressional Democrats have turned up their rhetoric when talking about President Bush, comparing him to Richard M. Nixon and using sharp language that conjures up images of secluded dictators.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada (said): "The president is as isolated, I believe, on the Iraq issue as Richard Nixon was when he was hunkered down in the White House."

"The president remains incredibly weak and at odds with public opinion. ... His approval rating streak is now in the ballpark of Richard Nixon's in the months leading up to his resignation," read the Emanuel memo, first reported by the Associated Press.

"President Bush is basically a Richard Nixon-covered Nixon with a thick Richard Nixon filling," said Sen. Hillary Clinton (N.Y.).

"We have political lies of a stubborn president, Americans protesting, and an illegal war still rages," said Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois. "Bush is so Nixon, man.

"Hey Bush. 1969 through 1974 called. It wants its president back."

Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the Democrat's strategy of comparing the president to the "stubborn" Nixon of Watergate as a "ridiculous notion."

Rep. James P. Moran of Virginia shot back with, "Shut up, Gerald FORD. HAHA! He's Nixon and you're Ford."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi applauded the Bush/Nixon strategy as "a brilliant and witty way to usher a Democrat into the White House in 2008."

Pelosi said that although such name-calling may not resonate well with more dignified and serious-minded voters, "that's nothing new from our past tactics."

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Gore To Save New Planet

According to the AP:

For the first time astronomers have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable, with Earth-like temperatures, a find researchers described Tuesday as a big step in the search for "life in the universe."

The planet is just the right size, might have water in liquid form, and in galactic terms is relatively nearby at 120 trillion miles away.


Scientists, while excited about the discovery, are concerned that those inhabiting the planet may not know the dangers of global warming.

Former Vice President Al Gore believes that it's not too late to warn the possible population of the planet about the floods, droughts, famine, and wars they will certainly face due to inhabitant-created climate change.

"My God, we have to find a way to get out there," said Gore. "We have to warn them about global warming and tell them how to live to avoid such a catastrophe."

Skeptics were quick to inform the former vice president that life on the newly-discovered planet is only a theory and it is possible we may never know if the planet is inhabited by life, let alone intelligent life.

"Theory, huh?" said Gore. "Then it must be true."

Gore then promised to produce and star in a documentary based on the so-called "theory" that there is intelligent life on the Earth-like planet and that the inhabitants are the main cause of global warming on their fragile planet.

Sheryl Crow plans a world tour on the planet following the release of the film.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Obama To End War If Elected

According to the AP:

A woman's tearful plea to Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama to end the Iraq war momentarily caught him off guard Friday at a New Hampshire town hall meeting.

The Illinois senator vowed to end the conflict if elected.

Asked how he would end the war, Obama replied, "By the power of Grayskull!"

He then pulled out a sword, pointed it upwards with outstretched arms and said, Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! HOOOOOOOOO!"

Afterwards, the uncomfortable stunned silence was broken by town hall attendee Alex Freeman, asking, "What the hell was that?" It was unclear if Freeman was confused by Obama's theatrics or by the fact that the presidential candidate mixed together two very different cartoons.

Without answering, Obama dropped his sword, pulled a can of spinach from his inner coat pocket and proceeded to try and squeeze it open with his right hand.

Through strenuous grunts, Obama said, "I make a solemn pledge to you now, that as president, I will get Duke, Lady J, Snake Eyes, and the rest of our military out of this war quickly."

Sunday, April 22, 2007

U.S. Sets Torture Example

According to CNSNews, Larry Cox, executive director of Amnesty International, claims the war on terror has become the war against human rights.


He said the detainees at Guantanamo are being held in conditions that can lead to mental illness, that the inmates are possibly being tortured, but "exactly what happens to these people is kept a secret from all of us."


Asked if it is only a "possibility" and if what happens to the detainees is actually kept "secret", then how does he know for sure that they are in fact being tortured.

"Because it's the American military," said Cox. "That's what they would do, isn't it? I mean, I figure they would torture them and stuff, you know, because we're the evil ones, see?"

Cox then added, "What they do at Guantanamo is not light weight. Compared to teaching children to become suicide bombers or to videotape the beheading of innocent people is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING to what our American soldiers are doing to those poor detainees. They're only crime is that they want us dead."

Cox then buried his face in his hands and began weeping, occasionally peeking through his fingers to make sure the people around him were looking.

After gaining his composure, Cox blasted reports that what the military does at these camps help to prevent other terrorist attacks.

"Baloney," he said. "You know why we haven't had another attack on American soil since 9/11? Because our so-called 'enemy' notices how people like ME act, and how people like ME are looking out for them and it melts their hearts.

"I'm sure most of the so-called "terrorists" have thrown down their weapons and have become happy, productive humanist-secularists."

Cox believes that when the United States condones torture, then it sends the message to the world's dictators that such methods are justifiable.

"If the U.S. didn't embrace torture, then we would set the example and no other dictator on earth would embrace such tactics either."

Cox hopes that by him not condoning torture, by the Americans only, it will set the example for the rest of the world, resulting in world peace forever and ever.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Cremation Bad For Earth

According to the AFP:

An Australian scientist called Wednesday for an end to the age-old tradition of cremation, saying the practice contributed to global warming.


NOTE: The real story here is funnier than anything that can be made up and joked about on this blog.

Scientists Running Out Of Global Disasters

Scientists have predicted various disasters to impact the earth in the coming years due to global warming.

According to Live Science, the earth will attain higher levels of environmental instability resulting in disappearing glaciers, epic flooding, drought, famine, diseases, extinction of plants and animals, and even a change in the rotation rate of the earth.

While the list may seem menacing, scientists are frustrated that they cannot come up with more disasters that could potentially destroy every living creature.

"Sure, the list of disasters is awesome," said scientist Thomas Gibson. "But people have survived floods, droughts, and famine in the past. We need a global warming disaster so catastrophic that even the cockroaches couldn't survive.

"Otherwise, people won't be scared enough to take what I have to say seriously."

Gibson claims that coming up with new global warming-produced disasters is difficult, but it's worth it to put the fear into people, even if the predictions are a little far-fetched.

"Sure people may scoff at melting glaciers," said Gibson, "but how about a giant asteroid that will collide with the earth because global warming caused something to happen with, um, the earth's magnetic field, which somehow will attract asteroids or something.

"I'm still working on that one."

Other global warming catastrophes that Gibson is kicking around: oceans of lava, killer mutants, loss of gravity, quicksand, illiteracy, human spontaneous combustion, and something to do with midgets.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Opossum Stage May End Abortion Debate

A crushing blow has been delivered to abortion opponents by a recent discovery showing that the human fetus is actually an opossum.

Abortion rights groups always fell in the shadow of the assumption that abortion was morally wrong because a fetus is an actual human being. The new discovery that a fetus is instead an opossum has excited the pro-abortion crowd as it flabbergasts scientists.

"The 'opossum stage' is simply an amazing discovery," said scientist Donald Brooks.

"Once the sperm fertilizes the egg and the cells begin dividing, the inconsequential blob of cells become an opossum, and will stay in the opossum stage for 9 months until it comes out of the womb as a human baby.

"It's not magic. It's science!"

Pro-abortion activist Lee Stevens believes the discovery of the opossum stage will be the death blow to the abortion debate.

"Essentially, an opossum is a rodent," said Lee, "and who WOULDN'T want to kill a rodent?"

However, the pro-abortion crowd may find resistance from some animal rights activists who are torn between a mother's right to choose and the life of an opossum.

While animal rights groups such a Animals Safety Secured did not have an "official position on abortion," that all changed with the discovery of the opossum stage.

Animal Safety Secured member Gloria Reed said that opossums "deserve consideration of their best interests regardless of whether they are rodents that are deemed useless to humans."

She continued, "Opossums should have the right to equal considerations of their interests. For instance, an opossum most certainly has an interest in not having pain and death inflicted on him or her unnecessarily. We are, therefore, obliged to take that interest into consideration and to respect the opossum's right not to be murdered.

"Of course we didn't take this stance when we thought the fetus was just a human baby."

For pro-abortion activists, such opposition returns them to the drawing board in determining what constitutes an opossum. Is it really an opossum while still in the womb?

"Look," said Lee Stevens, "it really isn't an opossum until it is born. However, once it's born it becomes a human baby, so I don't know what all the bitching is about."

Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Global Warming Wars

According to the AP at CNN, top retired generals warn that global warming will eventually cause a security threat to the United States, which will be forced into worldwide wars over water and other shortages.

The story states:

...that in the next 30 to 40 years there will be wars over water, increased hunger instability from worsening disease and rising sea levels and global warming-induced refugees. "The chaos that results can be an incubator of civil strife, genocide and the growth of terrorism," the 35-page report predicts.

"The report is roughly the size of a comic book and easily read," said Gen. Charles Finster. "Especially with the cool 4-color panels I drew on each page to depict the global warming war action!"

When questioned if the report may seem too alarmist to be taken seriously, Gen. Finster replied, "Shut up, ass."

Gen. Finster continued, "It's true. We'll go to war over water, the dead will rise from the grave, and possibly 75% of the earth's population will be covered in boils. It's all covered in my slugfest-filled comic book. I mean report."

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Pink Stuns Music Community With Bush-Bash

Pink stunned the music community by writing songs that bash the Bush administration.

According to music experts, these lyrics place Pink, musically, in uncharted waters.

"No artist has ever done this before," cried music critic Steven Franks. "To bash the Bush administration is an unbelievably bold step, not only for Pink, but for the music industry. We've never seen ANYONE do this EVER."

"Her originality and courage will shine," said music producer Stan Garret. "I doubt many artists will follow in her brave, unique shoes. She's the first to think this up and any others who try to write songs bashing Bush would be mere imitators."

There has been no comment from the Bush camp regarding this stunning event, but Pink fan Freddie Simmons believes that Bush may step down from office after hearing Pink's new release.

"He would have no choice," said Simmons. "Pink's music is simply that powerful."

Step It Up on Global Warming!

According to the AP on Fox News, concerned Americans met Saturday on ski slopes nationwide to demonstrate against global warming:

More than 1,300 events were organized in every state under the banner Step It Up 2007 to push Congress to require an 80 percent cut in carbon dioxide emissions by 2050.

"When it comes to global warming, I don't exactly think President Bush is doing such a hot job," said 12-year-old New Yorker Tiffany Cordero. "A lot of people are thinking just of now. But we won't have a 'now' if we don't focus on the future."


Other 12-year-olds who know what they're talking about include Billy Meadows who earned his Earth Science degree from Michigan State University.

"President Bush is doing an awful job...infinity." said Meadows.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Live Earth Will Play To Billions

Top musical artists will perform the Live Earth concerts on July 7 to help raise awareness of the changing climate (aka. global warming).

Artists such as Madonna, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Foo Fighters, among others, are participating for the sole reason of their love of the earth's future inhabitants, all of who may die from melting glaciers if the Live Earth concerts do not save them.

One of the guys from the Foo Fighters who is not Dave Grohl said, "This is going to be killer! We'll be playing not for only thousands, but the WORLD. And every magazine and newspaper will have coverage. You can't even dream of press like this! Our CD sales will shoot through the roof, man.

"Oh, yeah, and the climate."

According to the Associate Press, promoters hope that the concert will reach an audience of 2 billion people. This raises concerns of the impact on the earth's oxygen supply as a result from a giant simultaneous 2 billion-person yawn.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Honoring a War Hero Bad For Children!

According to a story from CNSNews, a statue to honor fallen war hero Danny Dietz in his hometown of Littleton, Colo. has drawn criticism.

Dietz was a Navy Seal who was killed in combat in Afghanistan two years ago. The statue honoring him shows Deitz holding a rifle. This raised the concerns of two women, including Emily Cassidy who believes that Littleton has a "stigma" due to the Columbine shootings from 1999.

According to CNSNews:

No one objected to honoring Dietz for his heroism, insisted Emily Cassidy, a mother of two children in Littleton. What she objected to was a statue of a soldier, holding a weapon, located across the street from an elementary school and near two other schools.

"It should be used as a learning tool. Don't just pluck it down in the middle of children," Cassidy told Cybercast News Service. "In their eyes, it's just a nine-foot guy with a gun."


Other concerned Littleton citizens, including Wilfred J. Wimpe, agrees with Cassidy's ideas and states the statue can cause confusion.

"We do have a stigma here," Wimpe said. "Also, I'm a moron. I can't tell the difference between a war hero who fought and died for his country and a couple of sick, deranged, murdering mental cases. If I can't tell the difference, how can I explain it to my children?"

Al Gore Film Fest Opener

The Tribeca Film Festival will welcome former Vice President Al Gore as the event's opening act on April 25.

Mr. Gore will begin the festival by walking on a pond of water taken from the melting ice caps.


His act will be filmed for the upcoming documentary "Messiah of Climate Protection" to debut at next year's festival.

Monday, April 9, 2007

"Star Trek" Actor Could Cause Global Warming

Scientists believe that the ashes of James Doohan, who played Scotty on the original "Star Trek" series, may become a leading cause of global warming.

On April 28, Doohan's ashes are to be loaded into a rocket and launched into space. Worried scientists state that if his ashes somehow seep out of the rocket, Doohan could possibly encircle the earth which would trap heat causing the temperature on the earth to rise.

"He was not a slight man," said scientist Phil DiPina.

DiPina mentioned that if Doohan's ashes somehow mixes with "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry's ashes, which were launched into space in 1997, the "impact on earth would be devastating."

Mars Warming Up

According to a story from Reuters, the planet Mars may be going through its own global warming.

Apparently, strong dust storms trap heat, causing the planet's temperature to rise.

The nature of planet-based global warming is drawing skeptical interest from the scientific community.

To find similar global warming problems on Mars that have been found here on earth, scientists plan to launch a probe to determine the number of SUVs found driving around on the surface of the red planet.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Tracking Global Warming

Scientists will soon use an advanced tracking device similar to the satellite-based Global Positioning System to help track pockets of global warming.

According to scientist Phil DiPina, these pockets, easily followed by the Global Warming Positioning System, can determine if specific "natural" phenomena detected is happening naturally or due to man-made global warming.

"Last summer we noticed an influx of june bugs around a local camping ground," said DiPina. "We had to determine if the apparent high number was due to man-made global warming."

After checking the data from the GWPS, DiPina had concluded that it was indeed global warming causing the infestation, even though the GWPS offered contradictory information.

"I'm sure it's wrong," he said. "That seems to happen all the time."

DiPina sited other examples such as when the ice machine in his freezer stopped making ice cubes.

"I know that global warming was responsible," he said. After receiving conflicting GWPS data regarding global warming's impact on his freezer, he checked into the "theory" that his freezer had broke down.

"Even if it's true that it somehow magically 'broke down', I can't rule out the possibility of man's contribution to the dismantling of my ice maker."

DiPina claims to be working on upgrades to the GWPS to make its data reflect a more environment-friendly outcome.